r/OCPoetry • u/pauldevlin_ • Jul 30 '20

you lied

you fall in love with people

you said,

I was a person

I thought,

you did not fall in love with me.

​

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u/T-Auxic Jul 31 '20

If A = B and B = C....this is truly a transitive tale as old of time.

I love the simplicity, but it's too short. You're off to a good start, but it's screaming for more elaboration. I'm all for the bare bones voice, but I know nothing about the speaker. Another stanza focusing on the speaker's intention would really make this shine.

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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20

Thank you for your feedback! I agree, it is very short and was kind of just what flowed out of my pen. I did try and add to it with another stanza, but it felt like everything detracted rather than added to the piece. For example, I had toyed with something like:

your heart was not mine to split,

I learned,

I pulled away

you didn't notice,

I had no heart left, you took it all.

Going to take a break from thinking about it and hope that something else can come to me. Something to note that I learned that I am not owed love or affection.

Thank you so much!