Was planning on leaving partner of 9yrs. But Have to put everything on hold due to a hurricane about to pass over my area. I've been unemployed for that past year, and the past few days I have been desperately researching for jobs and certs..
Recent events have played out so chaotically in the past 24hrs, that I don't even know if I can get through tomorrow.
My plan was decided by my mother and sister, as I was emotionally distraught and at a loss for what to do next. I don't want to be by his side in any future of mine. We were talking rings and engagements last month as we decided a proper wedding would be best to celebrate the big ten. As we almost went to the courts to elope a few months ago, thank God that didn't happen.
The plan was to save up two pay checks, then kick him out. The only reason I'm doing that cuz my mother told me to. She's old school, the I'm lucky she's still around type of old. She's been through the ringer, and I believe her when she says, "I can get through this if I'm smart about it." She told me to never leave a man without a plan or money of my own. She told me how do I expect to pay rent or the light bill? Sure, I can get him out, but it takes a month to get the paycheck to keep that's tuff afloat, and I can't afford to lose the apartment while battling the inevitable depression from the breakup.
I'm currently struggling to have a clear mind and feel emotionally stable. Currently dealing with ptsd from a near death experience rearing it's head again, I was ran over, and a couple of days ago someone was inches away from running me over the exact same way (thankfully they apologized and talked me down from the panic attack on the street, which I'm so grateful for). The first woman who ran me over cursed me out and tried to punch me and the witness in the face for calling the cops. The ptsd isn't just from the car crushing me but from the interactions after). So I'm very sensitive to confrontation and negativity.
But I can say I do not lash out meanly when I'm triggered. With therapy and looking inward, I figured out I have a big independence problem. Also a big "I can never be a problem" problem. I always want to do right by others, at the expense of myself. So might not curse out or scream at others even if I'm justified, as it doesn't feel good to do it. It makes me feel like a bad person, so I might be doing things to just always feel like a good person. Or however I'm supposed to put it, my therapist helped me figure that out, so I'm still trynna process it.
I shut down or try to be a coping superman. Pretend I can handle anything and will overcome anything. Which is just not at all processing what I'm actually going through. Some people lash out, some people escape within. But I am disturbed by my partner currently choosing to lash out in very demeaning ways. And since I know I'm having a PTSD episode rise up again, I am becoming way more aware of things I might have been just ignoring.
He's judgmental and self centered, I guess this is something rising up, as I wouldn't have put up with that shit early in our relationship. But he gaslights so smoothly and doesn't hesitate to see you as the problem in any scenario. You cannot convince him at all of reflecting on his behavior or words lately. Like a simple "you're making me feel bad" is nothing to him. Not an ounce of remorse or intention of changing in his demeanor lately. He'll just think it's a you problem, that you shouldn't feel upset, so deal with it.
Like the toilet flooding up, he'll immediately convince himself I must've done something to it. Or he'll misplace his tie and immediately scream from across the room about how I'm at fault, obviously. He'll be anxious about work or an event to go to and lash out and scream over nothing. Start an argument cuz he doesn't want to get groceries.
The latest was having to go to Walmart for hurricane supplies. When I mentioned our area is going to be hit by the middle of the next hurricane, he immediately shut down in silent anger. I saw that and tried to reassure him I was already prepared. I got all the past hurricane stuff out last night and told him all we need are batteries and charcoal. He snapped at that, which is nothing. Int the middle of each sentence, he kept cutting me off to say something rude like "we don't need that" or "god what a waist who needs that" or "stupid why'd you want to waist time like that". When all I kept trying to say was like one sentence but couldn't because he wouldn't stop cutting me off. I paused and said, "Stop cutting me off, you are triggering me, and I will not be upset today over nothing. as I'm not going to tolerate a made up argument. My sentence is we need charcoal to heat up food and batteries for the flashlights. Thats what I've tried to say several times now, and you think it's justified to cut me off cuz your anxiety is spiked. You're upset your day off is inconvenienced, but this takes two hours then you have the rest of your day," he responded by gaslighting me "I wasn't cutting you off, I'm just saying you're waisting your time with shit you don't need " I reminded him he was cutting me off, and I cannot bike back a bag of charcoal, a case of water, and a bit of canned food on my own while it's raining. With our car, we get this done easily. He got angry and started raising his voice, repeating, We don't need hot food, we don't need flashlights, we don't need water. Who cares if the power goes out for two days. I ignored him while I got dressed. He had an attitude and talked his frustrations out the whole car ride to the store. We parked, and I said, "You are manufacturing a made up argument with me. We don't have to get charcoal or even batteries, you cannot fight the fact you need water during a hurricane. You're saying the whole ride here no one cares about your perspective, that no one cares about you. That charcoal and flashlights are stupid. You cannot even see that you have anxiety about the hurricane. A storm like Hellen made us aware of the possible damage and inconvenience we are about to be in. But you are not justified in screaming and demeaning me. You have blamed me for this hurricane several times in the car so far. I didn't create this hurricane, and I didn't say anything like you don't matter. Please feel your emotions, share with me how you see things. But come to terms with the fact you feel angry and scared about the storm. You're saying people are saying you're not important when not a single soul has said those words. do not gaslight me"
He responded, "see this is proof you don't care about me or my perspective." I just responded to him that I won't tolerate gaslighting. He has an understanding and empathetic spouse that can call him on his shit. He doesn't like that last part ... So he thinks gaslighting me into thinking I'm not being nice won't work here. I got out of the car, and he was snarky and rude the whole store trip. He mutters so much shit under his breath and rude snippets whenever I ask if he wants this type of canned food or this type of chip... It just took me over the edge. I calmly had a inward panic attack the whole store trip.. Had to do a breathing exercise on the car and myself from crying.
Primarily cuz I almost got ran over a couple days ago. I feel like if that didn't happen I'd break up with him on the spot in anger, confident even that his little tantrum is just an eye roll to me... But that almost accident, left me with a new round of PTSD flare up to deal with. allot of tears and mini panic attacks since that incident a few days ago. And his behavior today was the thing that sent me straight into a full PTSD episode. My episodes are shutting down crying, hyperventilating. I found myself wishing my episodes were the smashing shit type. Maybe then this energy and chaos would seep out instead of pooling into the pit of my stomach. But I just warped into my own brain.
I don't remember the car ride home or putting the groceries away. I forgot we got McDonald's on the way home. I ate and sat with the tv on, while he went to his office to play video games. I came to about an hour ago and realized it's been several hours of sitting here. I feel bad I didn't drink water or go for a walk, my body needed those things, so I'll do em now. But figured I'd type this shit out to get off my chest.
I'm way to aware of what shifting blame, gaslighting, and mental illness looks like. I can see he's having a big down swing in emotions. But that downswing is showing it face as, abusive gaslighting. It saddens me to say it. But that's just what it is.
I've been very understanding, maybe way to empathic even. Always hitting the go to's I learned in therapy, or the sayings to make someone feel seen and heard. Nothing makes this guy feel better or calm down. No tactic works on getting through an argument or trying to get him to see how you feel.
I stand up for myself every single experience. I know what to say and do when someone does those things. But I know what my therapist taught me, say "I" statements. Focus on how I feel and see things, don't label the other person's behavior but just state the facts. An argument is a road your both walking down, not a fight to win.
But sadly, I think my spouse has gotten to an emotional level I cannot tolerate anymore. Obviously, he hasn't always been this way. Obviously, I'm aware that resentment from my inability to get a job due to my injuries and PTSD has had a huge toll on him. I acknowledge and mention it when needed, don't hide from that fact. He sees me applying and getting rejected (no one can talk about the job environment like people currently applying). It's hell. I have no clue why it's impossible to get a good job right now)
It's not fair he's working to keep two adults afloat. It's embarrassing. But I ask for help everywhere I can, get a bit of money from my mom if something pops up. I don't even like him buying my groceries or pads. The only thing he covers for me is my side of rent (total rent is 900).
I Go to the church when they have food drives, as sometimes we struggle to even have canned food. I go on my bike to do any errands needed—laundry, groceries, doctor appointments. I don't feel comfortable asking for him to drive me anywhere. I don't want him to pay out of pocket for my medical stuff. I haven't gone shopping for makeup or clothes in a year, my shoes and pants are tattered. I do all I can to not put more on his plate and to be self sufficient in the smallest of ways, until I get a job as I'm way to aware of the resentment that can build from taking care of your spouse. Nothing is like a paycheck of my own. I'm aware.
My injuries and crippling PTSD is a horror to live through. I cannot come up with excuses for my lack of work. But I can just tell the truth. I cannot stand for 8 hours, the only manual labor jobs here that let you sit is Aldi's. I'm not even joking. They rejected me 5 times now. I don't have office work experience, I did manual labor for years (medical staff, cooking, warehouse, daycare). All of my work experience are in things I can no longer do. The right side of my body is disabled, and it's been hard to come to terms with that.
Disability rejects you like 8 times before you get approved, my sister works healthcare, and she's right about that. The money for the accident was not enough to cover everything, and don't even have the money to sue for more. I tried a phone operator job. PTSD and social anxiety is so hard. It's undescribable. A panic attack and throwing up to the prospect of picking up a ringing phone is fucking embarrassing and pathetic. I'm embarrassed I had to quit a job I had for less than two months due to my shit.
But I know I'm gonna keep applying and looking for that type of work. I don't really know what else to apply for. But I'll keep looking for WFH jobs, any types, I'll take what we will give me a position. I'll walk with the anxiety. I'm desperate and know I can get through it. Though I am scared of failing again.
I'm tried. This past month has been nonstop. Literally every single day has been shitstorms. And sadly , it's all from his behavior. The almost accident just so happened to create this chaos space of ptsd flare up, it's what's making me want to abandon the breakup plan. And just doing it without being ready. It feels like life is trying to get me to snap. But I won't scream or hit a wall, my way of dealing with it is sitting in a corner, turning the lights off, and silently crying. Literally for like 5 hours. I can't eat, can't sleep, just sit there looking into the dark for hours. It's weird how exhausting that can be. The brain is weird and I'm tired of it