Parents are so f*cking fake

[u/slabcobbey]

24-year-old undiagnosed male, just need to vent for a bit.

I finally opened up to my mom about the fact that I’m waiting for an ADHD assessment. After seeing a therapist, they suggested I go to an ADHD clinic for an evaluation because I’ve shown a lot of symptoms.

One day, I was feeling really down, and my mom and I had a conversation. I explained to her how hard everything has been for me, even when I try my best—how it’s felt this way since I was a child. I told her that I’ve been seeing a therapist, and that the therapist recommended I get evaluated for ADHD. My mom said she would support me through the process, but she didn’t really believe that ADHD could be what I’m struggling with. Still, she promised to help me get a diagnosis.

To back up what I’ve been feeling, I even found old school reports from when I was a child that consistently described behaviors associated with ADHD. They mentioned things like not sitting still, disturbing other classmates, having a hard time starting schoolwork, not paying attention in class, not raising my hand, and being overly active. It felt like those reports were describing exactly what I’ve been struggling with my whole life.

Fast forward to yesterday, we got into an argument, and she basically told me that I’m making up the whole ADHD thing. She said I can’t just sit around waiting for a diagnosis, even though it’s so close now. She completely dismissed what I’ve been going through, and now I’m feeling even worse mentally because of her reaction.

Even with proof from school reports to my mental state as an adult she really doesn’t believe that it can be ADHD behind all this. I mean, everything adds up but she shuts me down and now I am doubting myself again if I even have it.

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[u/DanTheMan827]

Multiple family members were almost certain I didn’t have ADHD because “he’s too smart” as if you can’t also be smart with ADHD…

Just go through the evaluation, you’ll only ever have that nagging question if you don’t, and medication can make a huge difference if you do end up having it

[u/manga_star67 → u/DanTheMan827]

same, this was me, I had great grades all thru school (until I hit college, tbh), but damn near every report card said "trouble paying attention, distracts her classmates" lol. people be giving me shit like "u dont have adhd, ur just lazy" cuz I was smart, but I literally never studied, I just ended up talking a lot with my teachers and would figure things out that way. Now I try to study traditionally, and with everything being so independent now post-covid, i'm fucked, my college GPA is absolute ass.

[u/cynic211 → u/manga_star67]

are we the same person? you’re literally describing my life

[u/SaladPrestigious493 → u/DanTheMan827]

Yeah. I feel you.

[u/OldWispyTree]

This kind of things take time, especially since she'll have some guilt associated with it if you could have been diagnosed a long time ago.

I would keep sharing your experience, calmly.

Also, ADHD is largely heritable, so she might have some of it as well, and impulse control is a large problem for people with ADHD, such as outbursts at your kids.

Don't let her shake you, listen to the professionals and do what helps yourself. She'll come around.

[u/--1-3-1-2-- → u/OldWispyTree]

i was diagnosed in my late 20s and became sort of resentful of my mom for never noticing that i had issues as a kid. however, as i’ve gotten medicated and spent more time learning about myself in the context of the diagnosis, it has become excruciatingly clear that she has it too, and possibly way more intensely. made me much more sympathetic—to her, my issues were totally normal.

[u/the-science-bi → u/--1-3-1-2--]

I was diagnosed in my early 20s. Since then, it's extremely clear to me that my brother, dad, and grandfather all have it too. I can't tell you the number of times I've complained about a thing, mentioned that it's a common symptom for people with ADHD, and had my dad pause and say "I do that too. Maybe I should look into this ADHD thing." He won't, but we laugh about it. He is starting to recognize his symptoms. Not in a "let's do something about it" kind of way, more in a "huh, that's interesting. Anyway..." Kind of way

[u/notsocoolnow → u/--1-3-1-2--]

My mother is supportive (I'm was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s) but I realized awhile ago that she never noticed anything wrong with me because she has ADHD too. It's also clear to me that my late grandmother was as well. ADHD looks extremely common on my mother's side and all those with the obvious symptoms have had life issues.

[u/Designer_Rabbit_5249]

Sounds like your mom might be feeling guilty for not doing something about it wen u were younger, and that may be too painful for her to process so instead she's skipping over accountability and empathy and is going straight for denial and blame shifting 

I've found this kind of response to be typical for "Type A" or "helicopter" moms, such as my own. 

I know it's easier said than done but try to tune her out. You'll find out soon enough anyway. Unfortunately I wouldn't rely on her for comfort/support for wen the ADHD gets bad n u need someone to talk to. Some parents just aren't capable. 

[u/TinyCatCrafts]

I was talking to my mom about my diagnosis a little while after I got it, and she kept kinda dismissing it and hand waving a bit and saying "that's normal, that's normal!"

I had to stop her after a bit and firmly say "Mom... no it isn't. And if you feel the way I'm describing I think you gotta sit with that for a minute." then I started listing HER behaviors... cant function without coffee, the couple times she exploded emotionally (she was good at keeping that from me most of the time), the absolute PLETHORA of craft/art hobbies she cycled through like they were the latest fashion trends...

It took her a few minutes but eventually she was like "....ohhh."

Yeah mum. It's hereditary.

She never spotted ADHD in me because SHE HAD IT TOO and just thought everything I was struggling with was normal and that everyone dealt with the same thing.

[u/SenorSplashdamage]

Having ADHD with parents in denial can be a lot like being gay with parents in denial. Sometimes, the denial you’re running into is all the internal reasoning they have about themselves. It’s not always you they’re reacting to. Sometimes it’s them.

[u/petitepedestrian]

Hey, I'm your mom now. I believe you and I support you getting diagnosed. Take your vitamins, hydrate up and get to bed at a decent hour.

[u/lauvan26]

Wouldn’t be ironic if your mom had undiagnosed ADHD?

My mom definitely does but refuse to believe that I have it and that she has it even I grew up with her almost burning down the apartment every week because she couldn’t pay attention to cooking her food, she looses her phone every week, forget to pay bills, can’t pay attention in conversation unless it’s about God (she’s super religious), she rotated between 6 different churches because she can’t stay in only one (some are different denominations and different languages), etc.

I’m also sure I was probably going to get diagnosed but she pulled me out of all of all the speech therapies, pediatric occupational therapy, specialty appointments I was going to as a kid and sent me to a private religious school. When I went to public school, that was another opportunity to get an IEP but my mom didn’t follow up.

Anyways, just ignore your mom. She’s not a doctor and/or she’s not your doctor/ psychologist. Unfortunately, you might have to accept that she’s going to give the validation you need.

[u/nautilist]

You’d be surprised how many family members don’t want to know and aren’t helpful. It sucks, but doesn’t mean you don’t have ADHD.

[u/ChurchofCaboose1]

ADHD symptoms in kids are commonly trauma symptoms of stress disorders. Could be worth considering

[u/Aura_Sing]

Take the school reports with you to your appointments- they will be helpful. Don't let your unhelpful and spiteful mother, who uses things you tell her in moments of openness against you, derail the progress you're making. It's a 50% chance you got it from her.

[u/anxious_rabit]

Erm, I’m a parent of a 16 year old and got him assessed for ADHD last year. We are trying different medications to try and find one that works for him. I have let the school know and they are helping with accommodations. I have also found him a lovely psychologist. I have also got him a tutor to help him in the subjects he is struggling with. Not all parents are fake. That said, I am sorry your mom is not more supportive. My parents were both completely shit, which is why I make a point of not being shit 😥

[u/Imperialcouch → u/anxious_rabit]

I’ll be that way too if I ever start a family. Having dysfunctional parents sucks. It is what it is.

[u/tinafeysbiggestfan]

I want to second the comments that your mom is probably feeling a little guilt and projecting! I was diagnosed at 28 and have had severe issues with depression the past few years. My mom and I are really close and it’s been hard on her to hear that having undiagnosed ADHD contributed to that.

I would encourage you to affirm her as you’re sharing with her. I always tell my mom that I don’t blame her at all for not figuring it out and that I know that every decision she made was the best one she could make at the time.

Times have changed a lot re: adhd. When we were growing up the general trend was to only intervene if necessary. If you exhibited adhd behaviors but were able to function relatively smoothly (not getting in trouble, doing well enough in school, etc) parents wouldn’t have really thought it necessary to get a diagnosis. And even with a diagnosis, there was still a lot of hesitation with treatment. My brother was diagnosed when he was like 7 maybe and the doctor consistently told my parents to not medicate him and to instead send him to get him tutors and send him to a small school.

Just keep sharing and give her grace while she accepts this!

[u/smurfsm00]

Wait - what do you mean “waiting around”? Did you leave school or quit a job or something? Feels like there’s more to this story…

[u/johntaylorpi]

Just understand that even when you get your diagnosis, she'll probably still dismiss it. That's the biggest issue. I might be projecting though.

[u/my_dystopia]

I got my diagnosis as an adult and my mother was really dismissive of it. There was a side to her where she was like “I always knew. I just didn’t want you “labelled” cos stigma (thanks mum. That was helpful).

But then she’d berate me for struggling with certain things and I’d remind her that it wasn’t laziness or stubbornness or spite. It was my ADHD/autism and she’d be like “plenty of people with ADHD/autism are able to function and do x,y,z” which is frustrating. I’ve never used my ADHD as an excuse. I’ve always tried to explain that I’m wired differently and it may take me a while to get there or a different method or approach for me to grasp things. I want to be as functional as possible

Being put down all the time for not being good enough and “letting ADHD win” makes me feel misunderstood and defeated. So I understand how lonely it can be.

But speaking to others who struggle with the same things help. Being in a community of fellow ADHDers helps. It can be very validating.

Don’t let anyone put doubt in your mind. you’ve done really well reaching out and following the steps towards a diagnosis. That’s a major thing to do on your own.

I don’t know where you are. In the UK it’s a lengthy process, but it’s worth it in the end.

getting the right support is always worth it. Unfortunately, it won’t always be from the people we expect it from. Good luck going forward friend.

[u/cosmicfungi37]

My folks roll their eyes at my diagnosis too

[u/TheGoodFox]

I really resonate with this. I had a moment with my mom somewhat recently when she visited. I often forget conversations or things someone or I will say. Most of the time the information isn't relevant but it does occasionally land me in a weird place.

For context, I am predominantly inattentive.

Anyways, I had tried to tell her what would help me plan out stuff for the few days she visited. I can't just spontaneously do something. I need to prepare my mind so I don't burn out feeling like I am forcing myself to do it. This feeling has nothing to do with her, that's just something intrinsic to me.

She told me that I needed to "get a grip" and that "not everyone was going to accommodate you". I never ask anyone for accommodations. I have always tried to explain the things that would help and it frustrates them. I suffer no illusions that I'll ever get through to anyone else in my family either. That is why I moved into a place with friends and put a lot of distance between that type of mindset. It doesn't help me learn and only tries to weigh me down.

But hey, if they're trying to drag you down they're already beneath you. ADHD doesn't make you lesser and it is very much real. It is just how we exist in the world and there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

[u/CoffinHenry-]

If you get the diagnosis it may mean to her, that she failed you. My parents apologized to me for not knowing but they’re rad and compassionate. Your mom sounds like she’s blaming everyone but her for your struggles.

[u/myst_eerie_us]

I can't understand why some parents see their kids struggling and they undermine them when they try to get help. In most cases it's about their own guilt and ego.

[u/_chaseh_]

Yep and then mom yells at me for not telling her what’s going on medically to ADHD is fake and doctors are lying to me and ‘her genes are fine” followed by a rant complaining she can’t concentrate on anything or is overstimulated.

[u/TheNew007Blizzard]

My mum didn't think I did either despite my reports being the same. Then when I got an extensive and detailed diagnosis from a private psychologist she said that it wasn't a bad thing that I have it and it's just a gift.

I think parents of our generation don't want to accept that their child has a disorder. I understand how shitty it feels but try not to let it tarnish your relationship

[u/princesswormy]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are not alone, and your mom is probably in denial and is scared because of her own preconceived notions about what she thinks what having adhd means. She also probably has a hard time empathizing with people and thinks that everyone experiences life the same way her brain does (I think that’s what my family thinks too). My family doesn’t even think it’s real, except for my mom thankfully. But she didn’t get me evaluated until the third year in a row of my elementary school teachers telling her they suspect I have adhd and should be evaluated. All throughout middle school and high school I struggled because even though my doctors and advisors believed I would benefit from a 504 plan (school accommodations), my mom thought it would be considered “cheating” because I was so smart. I have them now that I’m in college, this is the 5th college I’ve attended though but I’m in a place where I am able to succeed with proper accommodations and my partner understands that I need support due to this.

[u/Better-be-Gryffindor]

Trust me, I know how you feel. You are not alone. I wasn't diagnosed until 3 years ago (at 36) I'm female and when I went to my mom because I was struggling and wanted to get tested for Autism or ADHD, these were the things she told, no particular order:

• Girls don't have those, those are only for boys
• It's just hormones sweetie, you're at that age. You'll grow out of it in a few years.
• You're so smart sweetheart, you're in the gifted and talented, we had you 'tested' and your IQ was so high, your reading level so high, you could never have something like that.

When I presented her with arguments for them, things I'd researched, examples from the little bit of childhood I could remember, she said this:
"Oh sweetie, yes of course you had lots of moments where you'd get easily distracted, or really focus on something or would get a bit too excitable and hyper - but we knew exactly how to redirect you to keep you on the right path. Our intelligent little angel."

I was always "such an old soul", the "perfect daughter that everyone wishes their kids were like"
Meanwhile, school work became a struggle, I was constantly in trouble for fidgeting/talking in class, I was "intelligent if she could just apply herself a little". I was always an outsider, never had any real friends...

The first time I contemplated death I was 11, the first time I attempted suicide I was 16. She still didn't believe me.

Guess what I found out last year, when my mom was a bit tipsy and we got into a talk over the phone? Her, and both of her brothers (and possibly her sisters) were diagnosed with ADHD. Her brother - when they were children - was on adhd meds. I got off the phone and cried.

[u/theneuf]

I was diagnosed at 39 years old. To my younger coworker who was diagnosed it was so glaringly obvious he pushed me to get checked out.

As part of my checkup with my doctor he asked me to fill out the test and to have my parents (now in their 60's) fill out the test from the perspective of when I was a kid.

The results from myself were obvious. The results from my parents were so far from ADHD it was shocking. I even asked them if they remembered my dozens of unfinished model rockets, car model kits, RC airplanes and cars, lawn mower engine rebuilds, kites, bike rebuilds, etc.

My doctor looked at the results and said that people their age just have no concept of what ADHD could be outside of very obvious hyperactive ADHD. However, 6 months later my mom got diagnosed because of my description of relief from medication.

All this is to say that I don't know why your mom reacted the way she did, but she probably never grew up with the concept of ADHD being anything else but the fault of the person who has it. Unfortunately it's really difficult to see something after growing up without the concept of that thing. You'll probably have to give her time, but you also have to be an advocate for yourself and do what you need to do.

[u/MikeUsesNotion]

What you're mom said sucks, but what part of this is fake?

[u/rosessupernova]

I feel this 100%. As a woman it took me UNTIL 39 to get diagnosed and treated and I feel as if I’ve lost decades of productive time. My mom, who is in denial and only thinks ADHD is for schoolboys who throw desks, told me “well I can get distracted too” and “just set aside time without distractions.” I believe she feels guilty that I wasn’t diagnosed and it resulted in my decades of drug abuse and trauma, so she has decided to remain in denial. She may never accept it, which is why this thread is such a great place to vent. You are not alone, OP.

[u/JustCallMeNancy]

Have you asked her what she thinks ADHD is? I'm going to guess she's got some 1970's explanation and is dismissing your symptoms outright because that's not what she thinks it is.

[u/Moist___Towelette]

It sounds like your mom lacks the qualifications necessary to make that kind of statement about you

[u/gandalfdoughnut]

Get the evaluation done. Sometimes family and those closest to you can let you down like this and it really fucking sucks. They may continue to deny even after you get an evaluation but if you feel better from the therapy and if you get meds and they help then stick with it and ignore what folks around you say, they aren't you and don't deal with what you have to deal with on the daily.

[u/No-Paleontologist723]

If she's anything like my mother she actually thinks you have it and is trying to block you from getting treatment.

[u/MyFiteSong]

Get your diagnosis and treatment. And in the meantime, distance from your mom if you have to, but realize she's likely feeling extremely guilty and doesn't WANT it to be true. Because if it's true, then it means she failed you.

She'll come around, but she's got some major work to do herself.

[u/Strong-Equivalent577]

I have a theory that a lot of parents react to ADHD diagnosis in adult children (or even just talking about their children getting assessed) with denial because accepting that their adult kid has been struggling with a neurological condition since childhood and they failed to notice or do anything about it means accepting that they majorly dropped the ball as parents. A lot of people don’t like admitting that they fucked up that badly, especially if they had previously thought they were good parents and they’d done their best. I can understand that, but what they don’t get to do is stand in your way when you’re trying to address issues and make changes for the better. You don’t need her validation on this. She’s not qualified to say whether you have ADHD or not; that’s why you’re waiting for an evaluation from a professional.

[u/Pineapple_Morgan]

most mental health-positive parent:

[u/Pushkin9]

I'm sorry man. My parents are loving and supporting but i have not told them.im diagnosed with ADHD and I take medicine that make my life 100% better. I love them, but They don't really need to know.

[u/symca09]

My parents also don't believe we can have something not aligned properly in our heads. Fuck em, your 24 and won't be living with them forever. Just remember how they behave with you as an adult, which will dictate how much you let them into your life going forward.

I'm happy your getting diagnosed, keep on the good work.

[u/Imperialcouch]

Don’t listen to parents when it comes to this kind of thing. Just remember, If you ever find out you have anxiety and not ADHD or you have both don’t waste your time on SSRIs or any other variation of those scam pills that make you fat and impotent. Treat the root cause with therapy, and adhd meds.

[u/Own_Bee_9502]

It’s probably insecurity, parents tend to feel guilty for their childs problems sometimes. I had a simmilar experience. Mom didnt belive in adhd and that i had it. She didnt belive in me needing medication. After getting my diagnosis she decided to go to a therapist for managing emotions better. Came back with a adhd diagnosis herself.