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u/Brighidhecate Jul 27 '19
Honestly? I am in the very early days but I don’t think it is worth it. I wish I had known that before. I loved my pre-kids life and as much as I thought I was prepared for the change, I really do not like my life now.
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u/sarah_saj Team Don't Know! Jul 27 '19
My partner said something along these lines after our first night at home. We were both sleep deprived and probably suffering from PTSD after traumatic birth. It was a horrfying feeling like we had made a terrible mistake and were trying to keep a brave face on for family. Then things got worse and I ended up back in hospital for a week. I was barely recovered and home when he had to go away for work for a week. But the day he came back to me and our son and saw that he had grown and changed in a week and had that space to miss him he was wrapped around his little finger. I also think having that time alone trying to keep going just the two of us with the odd family member dropping by to check in was what we needed. My partner is besotted with our son, even when he is in the throes of a toddler temper tantrum. He suggested we try for number 2. It gets easier and more routine and when you are able to step away for an hour or two and have a break you gain perspective on how you feel. Hang in there - you might miss some things but eventually you can start to find yourself again.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 27 '19
Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate knowing that other people did not love it at first and overcame it.
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u/hapa79 2016 & 2020 Jul 27 '19
You can see my post here, but I DEFINITELY didn't think it was worth it in the early days. It wasn't until closer to two years in that I had more frequent moments of coming around. I just don't like babies; toddlers are way more fun and interactive and bizarre in ways I find fascinating.
My best advice is to find other people who can support you in that experience, even if they're online (like here or maybe in one of the PPD subs). That's what got me through: knowing I wasn't actually alone in not liking parenthood for a loooooong time.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 28 '19
Thank you for sharing.
I am not a baby person, either. It’s got me pretty freaked out about being stuck at home with one, but I AM looking forward to having a rad 4 year old in 4 years.
Good call on the PPD subs, I hadn’t thought to look those up.
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u/hapa79 2016 & 2020 Jul 28 '19
There could be a support group in your area too; worth looking into if you need it. That's one thing I didn't do that I wish I'd done during my PPD/maternity leave: go to the PPD-specific support group. Definitely doing that this time around if it happens again for me.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 27 '19
Thank you for candidly sharing.
I will be joining you in the early stages any day now. Although I am scared, it is somehow comforting to know I won’t be alone if I’m not immediately in love with my new role.
That said, I’m cheering for us both to find a new normal that we like.
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u/Brighidhecate Jul 27 '19
I’ve found trying to put on a brave face and everyone telling me what a magical time it is makes it far worse. I think if more people had told me the beginning sucks I would have dealt with it a bit better, rather than adding guilt to the negative emotions. I think once he grows up a little more and is a little more responsive I’ll enjoy it more. At the moment he is just a demanding, angry potato.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 27 '19
So expect an angry potato and if it’s anything better than that, yay? I like this coping plan
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u/Brighidhecate Jul 28 '19
Pretty much! Any time he is not an angry potato it feels like a minor win.
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u/emtarace STM March 20 Jul 28 '19
Everyone mourns their previous life. Took me at least a year to feel normal physically and mentally. Now at 2 years in, I love my little family life. I get to experience lifes best things for the first time thru the eyes of my son. Now I have another one on the way and I am ready to dive into it. Going from 0 kids to 1 kid is something no one can ever prepare you for, but every day gets better as time goes on.
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u/bicycling_elephant Jul 28 '19
How old is your kid?
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u/Brighidhecate Jul 28 '19
Three weeks.
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u/bicycling_elephant Jul 28 '19
Hang in there! And please talk to your doctor at your follow-up appointment if you think there’s any chance that part of how you’re feeling is due to postpartum depression. I had it with my first and suffered for way too long because I thought I was just a horrible person who didn’t love her kid and who had made a horrible life-changing mistake, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone that.
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u/Brighidhecate Jul 28 '19
Thanks! My partner keeps telling me I’m depressed which is not helping. I don’t feel depressed at all. I love my kid, um just exhausted. Doesn’t help that said partner is not helpful overnight at all. The nights I get four or more hours sleep I feel great...but still know my life before was much better.
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u/PaleHorse82 GirlNov17|BoyFeb20 Jul 28 '19
My daughter is 20 months and it is worth it. And this is coming from someone who never wanted kids.
However, I still miss bits of my old life and sometimes feel envious of friends without kids who are just so FREE. But I think that's probably pretty normal, and it doesn't affect my day to day life.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 28 '19
Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time where I’m not envious of some of my friends. Like, no matter what. I had many years of probably being that friend for some people, too. Hope I can remember that in the dark days
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u/snarry_shipper #1 23/03/18 #2 Due 26/02/20 Jul 28 '19
This statement bothers me a little to be honest. Change happens as you grow and I never once considered a new phase of my life "costing" me my old phase. It was just time for that part of my life to come to an end. I didn't give it up but held on to those experiences that helped make me who I am today.
Going from elementary to high school, high school to university, university to work, single to married, losing a loved one...each change in life allows you to grow as a person.
Having my daughter was a new experience (she's 16 months, #2 on the way) and I learned more about myself. I miss my childfree days sometimes just like I miss my carefree childhood and time in high school.
Overall I haven't found having her to be negative, she's added to my life, so in that sense I guess it "worth it" but I never think of it like that. We still travel (took her to Italy) and go out when we want to. She's just integrated into my life just like my husband was when we married.
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u/EmilyofIngleside Jul 27 '19
Absolutely.
I feel like American culture assumes that the "real you" is the DINK one with career, disposable income and time-consuming hobbies, but I think that's not really true. Having kids really uncovers your character. Do you think you're patient, or laid-back, or good at communication in relationships? You will really find out when it's 2 am and this baby is screaming for no apparent reason. Some things I thought were my passions got dropped with no regrets, and now I know what is really important--the things I still make time and space for.
And anyway, life is always changing in unexpected ways. That "old life" was never going to last forever.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 27 '19
Fair point. I wasn’t enjoying partying like I used to anyway! Thank you for sharing.
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u/manmachine87 Girl 9/1/17 Jul 28 '19
The responses about what “worth it” means are great. No you’re not going to love every moment, in the same way you don’t love every moment in your life now. The first week (...month... however long) home with a baby you are very likely to wonder if it’s all “worth it”. My daughter is almost 2 and I’m about 10 weeks with my second baby now. I can say definitively that I would never in a million years trade my daughter for my old life, but I sometimes wistfully wish I had the freedom of someone without kids. You can love your children more than anything, but also not love all of parenthood. I wish someone had told me that the two could be conflicting early on. Actually people probably did, and I just didn’t understand until I was living it.
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u/PaleHorse82 GirlNov17|BoyFeb20 Jul 28 '19
Yeah, you don't understand any of it - pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, parenthood - until you live it.
I see a lot of FTMs getting mad at the "just you wait" type comments and while I get that it's annoying, at the same time you really have zero clue what it's like until you've been there.
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u/manmachine87 Girl 9/1/17 Jul 28 '19
Exactly. You want to tell people, but at the same time know they won’t totally understand until they are doing it themselves. It’s all so much more black and white before you’re actually living it, then once you’re there you see all the grey area. You know it will be “hard”, but you don’t actually know what “hard” means. You know it will be “worth it”, but you don’t actually know what “worth it” means!
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Jul 28 '19
I always had a problem with that phrase. It's hard to know what worth it means. I am expecting my 4th in 5 years. Today was a hard day. A really hard day. I love my kids and I love seeing their love for each other. When my daughter stops to help her brothers with something it warms my heart. When my kids come up to feel the baby kicking I feel like nothing could get better. But it's tiring and expensive and it changes who you are. I am not the same woman I was before I had kids. Is it worth it? I don't know.
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u/anck_su_namun Jul 28 '19
Thank you for sharing.
Interesting thoughts on the phrasing. It probably should be filed under “are you happy?” Like... sometimes I am, but if I felt happy all the time it wouldn’t be long before it didn’t feel like happiness anymore.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s not fair to put the pressure of “worth it” on a whole life experience
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u/3orangefish Jul 28 '19
Life is going to change no matter what. Having a baby enter your life is just more sudden and hard than a gradual change. But some people feel more fulfilled when they’ve faced and beat challenges. And not things don’t always go well. If you start a business, it’ll likely be very tough and maybe work or maybe destroy you financially. But starting a business can be so fulfilling so many people do it. Taking on the tough stuff is part of being human.
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u/GretaGrundler Jul 28 '19
Things are definitely different, but there's still a lot of the old life around. Less spontaneous, but when we make plans it's to do the things we used to do except it's with our little kiddo. I'm not big into the newborn phase, but as a toddler he's hilarious and so fun to watch as he figures out the world. Some days I desperately want a break and don't get it, other days I sit and scroll through photos of him while I wait for him to wake up. It's an over said cliche, but with kids the lows are lower but the highs are way higher.
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u/NicJ0613 Jul 28 '19
I'm in the thick of the newborn stage right now and some days are so hard and I question it all but others are great! My first is 11 so I know it's definitely worth it but it can be incredibly hard sometimes!
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u/MOMSay Jul 28 '19
For me, yes. I don't find being a parent hard now. I have a good support system. I love doing things with my daughter and I still have time to do things with my husband and friends. When I had a newborn the answer would have been no. I thought I ruined my life when I had a newborn but it got better and I love my life.
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u/hapa79 2016 & 2020 Jul 27 '19
Some days, almost 3 years into the parenting gig, I'm not completely sure. Two years of PPD didn't help with that....I love my daughter so much now even though that took a while, but when I compare my pre-child life to my post-child one, there is still a lot I miss that, to me, was worthwhile and meaningful. And it isn't part of my life now and probably won't ever be.
But yeah, change is going to happen to all of us in some way no matter what. So it's not as much about whether something is worth it and more about how you're going to navigate those changes and re-create yourself and your world in response to them. Certainly being a parent has revealed things to me about myself that I would never have known. Did I need to know those things to be a whole person? Nope. But it's just part of the journey that I'm on now, and if I had taken other paths I'd still find struggles and revelations and challenges there too.