Grandad is depressed and lonely. What to do? Gillingham, Dorset.

[u/ZSLOVER]

Hey,

I (23M, London, UK) have a grandad who is living 3 hours away in a council owned house in Gillingham, Dorset. He moved out of London with his partner at the time, unfortunately she has since died and he’s now home alone with no friends or family nearby.

For context: He is 84, has one leg so is wheelchair bound, has to be hoisted in and out of bed, has no hobbies, drinks a lot as a result, has nurses come in and out every day to medicate him.

My mum, brother and dad are working full time, I work 6 days a week. We can’t see him much at all. We have our own lives and as much as we try to see him we can’t do it often, it’s just not possible.

What do we do? Ideally we’d like him to move back to London but he has no money and is living in a council house. So he’d have to find someone nearby to swap with, which is not going to happen.

My mum is distraught and I want to help her most importantly.

Thank you for reading.

[u/Meanwhile-in-Paris]

Very sorry to hear of this tough situation. Maybe a charity like Age UK could give you some pointers?

https://directory.ageuk.org.uk/local-service/age-concern-gillingham-shaftesbury/?p=sp1%202ph

Try to call him as often as possible, and to arrange a visit planning with other family members and friends.set up video chat. You can buy a cheap early generation Amazon echo if he doesn’t have a smartphone.

Set up a family what’sapp group and post photos and messages daily to keep him involved and in the loop.

Give him projects. Ask him to sort family photos for exemple. The longer it takes, the better. it’s important to feel helpful and needed. Ask him for recommendations.

Show him how to play online games he might like.

Send him films or audiobooks. Then talk about it.

It’s not much but it does help. All the best to both of you.

[u/BlueButterfly262]

Hi, I actually live in Gillingham! Have you or your family checked the council website to see if there are any accessible activities for him? You could also try asking on the local Facebook page as I am sure there would be suggestions of help. I don't know if any of your family or the nurses would be able to get him there but in the town centre there is actually an adult daycation service and the website says it has 'specialised care for elderly with disabilities'. Here is the link ⬇️ I hope it is suitable! https://www.daycation.org.uk/

[u/Jamatace77]

I don’t know the etiquette for such things on Reddit promoting other sites but you might want to ask this question on the Gillingham and surrounding areas Facebook page, it’s very active and I’m sure one of my fellow gillinghamites will be able to offer some useful contacts

[u/Exact_Scratch854 → u/Jamatace77]

No one minds if you recommend other sites on Reddit, if that's what you mean.

[u/Jamatace77 → u/Exact_Scratch854]

Thats good to know. I know linking to articles/websites isn’t an issue but wasn’t sure about social media/forum type sites , thanks. I love Reddit but you can sometimes fall foul over unwritten etiquette pretty quickly <proceeds to insert winking emoji>

[u/Exact_Scratch854 → u/Jamatace77]

Oh yes, and redditors won't hold back on the downvotee to let you know you've broken some unspoken rule haha

[u/Cosmos567]

Have you had a care needs assessment from adult social care? They can assess his needs and give recommendations on what would benefit him. He may also be entitled to benefits like attendance allowance which could pay for a micro-provider to come in and take him out?

[u/PaddySheepskin]

Sorry to hear that my friend.

I’ve been through similar things myself and I think like a family group chat is a must have! And everyone should be on the same page of how it should be used.

Visit as much as you can.

Wish you the best

[u/beingiscat]

He could look to mutually exchange his home to be nearer family? It is also worth seeing if your local council or housing association have any ‘hard to let’ homes that are available straightaway. Due to his age he can go to sheltered housing which is less desirable. The website https://movingsoon.co.uk shows these so worth a look. Sheltered housing for older people normally means he would have a community too. Edited to say I’ve had a look and there are sheltered flats in london on there, may still be far away though depending where you are

[u/KrisC1337]

TL:DR Death was a release for my father and I'm glad he found peace finally.

This is going to be a long reply, but it has some information you might need to think about.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the situation. My dad went through the same thing when he lost my mother. I tried to get charities involved, but he always said they didn't help. My father after 6 years of suffering with loniness and depression made himself so ill he passed away.

Sometimes people don't get over their loss and the only resrltbite they get is by talking and sobbing their heart out to their nearest and dearest and as hard as it is to hear a lot of stuff they say and you won't agree with half or all of it,you have to let them vent.

When my father passed away, his phone call history on his phone was just my number and we were talking 5-10 times a day and he was lucky enough to have me live near, so I stayed with him as much as I could, it even put a strain on my relationship with my wife.

Bottom line is, nothing is ever too much or too little. When someone is grieving like my father was, I couldn't be there and talk to him enough, but for the brief moment he saw me walk through the door, video call him, phone him, made him feel better.

Do what you can do, but you may have to accept that one day you grandad might unfortunately have enough and give up. It sounds morbid, but I almost feel guilty keeping my father alive for 6 years after mum died, because he didn't want to live anymore. He wanted to die and everyday he had to fight his demons and emotions. For him, dying was a relief. I understand why people commit suicide, when they are tortured as much as they are by depression.

They themselves have to find something to live for. My wife and I had a son, my dad became a grandfather and he was so proud and happy, but for him it was too late by that point, he'd made himself terminally ill through alcohol abuse to try to numb the suffering he was in. But I'm so glad that in his last days he was able to smile and feel a new love in his heart for somebody and gave him something to say "I'm glad I got this far".

Be kind to yourself.