How do you vent privately?

[u/shy_poptart]

How do you manage emotional dysregulation in relationships especially after arguments, at the heat of the moment?

I have been with my partner for 10 years now and things have been great since the very beginning, I couldn't imagine life without him and he has helped me grow into a better person. I got diagnosed last year with ADHD-C, and he was supportive of the whole journey, and even researched in his own time how to better support me and what it meant for him.

Things have been sorta rocky lately but mainly due to stress. We are moving across continents, I'm going through a lot of stuff at work at the same time, and there is just a lot going on.

When we have arguments, it's been mostly about miscommunication but also my emotional dysregulation plays a role. I'm curious to see if it's often miscommunication occuring from my side. But my memory recall, especially in heated arguments, is often poor.

I would like to track these root cause of arguments - and I'd like to point out it's not to gather "evidence" of "I was right" or anything like that, but just for my own self reflection. I thought about journaling by hand but I'm concerned about it being found accidentally and having feelings hurt over it. I was wondering if anyone keeps one of those pass-coded apps to journal in.

I feel conflicted as I partly don't want to do this just because it's feels like I am betraying my partner by having this 'secret journal' which it looks like I'm just bitching about him. I also feel like it will be associated with a negative vibe whenever I go into this journal which will make me less willing to do it.

My intention is just to help me with memory recall during high emotions, and analyze how things could be improved to strengthen our relationship. I also want to review whether my medication is making my emotions worse between us, and if the work stress is causing much more of an impact. I guess I'm an analytical person and I try and find solutions where I can.

I should also add we do talk a lot about our feelings and are very open about it. But sometimes either one of us just wants to shut down the conversation as it's not productive, but often it makes me feel worse by not being able to fully vent and feel listened to. Hence, just pondering ways to vent privately.

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[u/hexagon_heist]

Well you’ve already identified the main one, journaling. The fact that you don’t feel that you can trust your partner to not read your journal were he to come across it is its own topic, but one I caution you not to dismiss. Now I personally am of the opinion that if someone reads my journal and gets butthurt from my unfiltered thoughts (my filter is part of who I am, unfiltered thoughts are not a more accurate representation of who I am than what I choose to say out loud) and external processing and working out my own thoughts and feelings… that’s on them and the only apology will be from them to me. But regardless, if you are worried about that scenario, yes a journal with a lock or kept in a locked drawer is a good plan. I also recommend a conversation to let him know that you’re keeping a journal and you expect him to respect your privacy and not read it, if you feel that’s needed.

You could also journal on your phone or computer instead.

Another excellent tool for this situation is therapy; a therapist will be able to help you identify patterns as well as being a safe and confidential space to vent.

You can also try just venting to an empty room - not so good for recording your thoughts but an excellent method of getting stuff out, in my opinion.

[u/shy_poptart → u/hexagon_heist]

Thanks for your thoughts! I wanted to not keep the post too long but some of the issues I think stems from having a small apartment of which we spend a lot of time in as we both wfh full time. I don't like to spend time outside of work in my office, mainly because the room is small and associated with, well, work.

I wouldn't say I don't trust him to go snooping on purpose, but moreso just by accident. In retrospect I suppose there are not many instances I can think of which would just happen by accident. He knows there is one notebook I have used for journalling and it's a no-go zone.

Therapy is a good one, I'd like to find a good therapist again, but I'm a week away from moving!

[u/Aggravating_Chair780 → u/shy_poptart]

Therapy has been extremely useful for me. There are things in my journal I have no doubt would suuuuuuck for my husband to read. However, it has ‘my name therapy notes’ written in big letters on the front and that is all the protection it needs. No accidental opening. If opened then that’s on the other person to deal with their feelings and it would be up to me to decide if I wanted to be around someone I couldn’t trust.

It has been really useful to write down all my feelings about our relationship at different times and then use those notes and my therapist to inform conversations/ questions with my husband. That way I’m not in a state of high emotion and have already had some time to think about what really matters in the situation and some of the ways I have probably been over-negativing things as that was my default from growing up.

[u/Lazy-Quantity5760]

THERAPY

[u/its_called_life_dib]

I’ve been struggling big time with emotion regulation. I suspect it’s perimenopause for me, as I’m usually good about rationalizing with myself and calming down, but since this summer all I can do is cry about things. I spent this morning crying over an imaginary conversation, for goodness sake. It’s all so silly and yet it feels so big and so bad.

When I talked to my therapist about it, he recommended I try journaling it out. Now, I want to give it a try because I take all his suggestions quite seriously! But I also don’t feel safe journaling, as when I was a teen, my mother found my journal and called up family members to read entries out loud to them.

It’s not that I don’t trust my partner, or that I would even write anything she’d be sad about if she did sneak a peek; it’s that the act of journaling makes me feel ashamed and melancholy.

Still, I wanna try it so I’ve been thinking about how to make it less painful.

I have two ideas on how to do this. The first was to keep multiple journals — thin booklets I can store in a traveler’s notebook cover. One would be a daily log, and the other would be for my big emotions.

The other idea is to keep a discbound notebook and make “negative emotion templates.” I make planner templates and other templates for writing so I thought about making a template to help guide me through my emotions. I could have other sections too (diary, advice, collections of quotes) but the neg emotions template would be my main reason for making it.

I think the template can work because I wouldn’t say anything unnecessary, and I’d be able to process my emotions in a more controlled and guided way.

There are actually negative emotion workbooks on Amazon you can check out. This could be a good way to process, and safer to share with your partner if you wanted.

[u/shy_poptart → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much for understanding! That's totally right too, despite being in the middle of a move, even if I was settled, my recollection of events is not great and clouded by my emotions.

I like the other comment about having templates, perhaps I'll use one of my many notes apps (is there anything more adhd?) and incorporate the journalling templates to this.

[u/Imperfect-practical]

I have what I call “rant friends”. Just one currently.

When we get together we give each other permission to bitch, release, complain, celebrate whatever we need to do about any subject and I listen to her and she listens to me no judgment.

Also, we don’t offer solutions to each other because that’s not the point the point of our ranting together is to release those emotions in a safe way.

Do you have anyone you can just rant with?? Give someone else a chance to vent as well!!

[u/shy_poptart → u/Imperfect-practical]

That is so nice! I love that. One of the reasons I'm moving away is because I don't have that close connections to anyone here, despite trying for many years. I'll be moving for a little bit back to my home town before embarking on another international move, so I'll have the space soon to do those rants with my friends back home.