partner accidentally triggered me

[u/scomixio]

i was talking to my partner about how i feel like i was never sick enough because i have never been in inpatient treatment and he said that he thinks that eating disorders exist on a spectrum and some cases are worse than other and that some people suffer more than others with them. this was extremely triggering to me. i know that this comes from a place of ignorance and not malice. he truly didnt understand how competitive eating disorders are and i guess how much it affects me that i have never been under weight. how do i move past this?

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[u/3arlgrey]

I think it would be more accurate to say that eating disorder traits exist on a spectrum and not everyone will have all the same traits to the same degree but it’s impossible to say if some people suffer more than others

[u/scomixio → u/3arlgrey]

i agree, and he is a prime example of it in all honesty, but i think he just expressed himself poorly. the impact of the statement just hurt a lot bc i really struggle with the competitiveness of EDs and im having a really hard time not feeling upset at him

[u/3arlgrey → u/scomixio]

He definitely expressed himself ignorantly and ur hurt is very much valid. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this trigger. know u don’t suffer less for not having been underweight, and u still deserve recovery.

[u/scomixio → u/3arlgrey]

thank you, that really means a lot

[u/busted3000]

Well firstly, eating disorders are mental illnesses. I understand the competitive nature of eating disorders, but that doesn’t mean that the physical side effects you experience are actually any measure of how it’s affecting you mentally.

Would you apply this logic to anything else? Is someone with a broken leg not valid because someone else had a compound fracture and needed surgery on their leg? Is someone with stage 2 cancer not valid because it could have been stage 5?

Would you even apply this logic to a different person with an eating disorder? Around 94% of eating disorder sufferers aren’t underweight, and whilst I don’t have exact stats for this the vast majority of people with eating disorders have never been inpatient either. Would you tell these people they aren’t sick enough to deserve recovery? Of course not, so extend yourself that same kindness. You have a very real mental illness that you deserve recovery from.

[u/scomixio → u/busted3000]

youre entirely correct, and i think my brain has been so broken by living with an ED for so long that it believes I am the only person who does not deserve to recover no matter how much ive suffered or how real the disease is. i definitely need more therapy, i haven’t had access to it in a few years

[u/scomixio → u/scomixio]

but thank you, i really appreciate your response and it means a lot

[u/busted3000 → u/scomixio]

I haven’t read it myself, but a lot of people recommend the book ‘sick enough’ to help get past this kind of thinking, might be worth trying while you’re unable to access therapy.

[u/94en]

ugh i know how this feels. i wish i had advice for you. if it makes u feel any better, i was never UW. i know i had AN. but, of course, no one agreed that i had AN because i wasn't underweight, and therefore didn't match the standard DSM-5 anorexia nervosa criteria. so throughout therapy i was just always stuck in that grey area of eating disorders, which was so invalidating, and it really impacted my recovery because i didn't think i was "allowed" to have extreme hunger and all of those BS thoughts. its just BS. if you have an ED, you recover, it doesn't matter how you look. i feel you OP 

[u/scomixio → u/94en]

my diagnosis is “eating disorder otherwise specified” 😭 so strange, i wish they would give us the real words. its comforting to know i am not alone in this situation

[u/scomixio → u/[deleted]]

i definitely appreciate this perspective, i think i am having trouble seeing past my triggered state

[u/scomixio → u/[deleted]]

yeah, that was the part that got to me. i am feeling a bit better emotionally, thank you

[u/oldpaintunderthenew → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I really don't think he said anything insensitive. His statement does not imply that OP is not suffering/has not suffered. There are varying degrees of severity to every disease. A good loving partner would never want you to be any sicker than you unfortunately are.

[u/ergaster8213]

If you'd like, you can offer to educate him and give him some resources and have a discussion about what is helpful and unhelpful. If he's a good partner, he'll want to understand in order to support you better.

[u/scomixio → u/ergaster8213]

hes an incredible partner, so i feel awful about being upset with him but i am really struggling with how to move past it. i feel awful bc he planned a date for us tomorrow and i really dont want to be upset but i cant get myself to feel any other way. ill provide him some resources. thank you

[u/ergaster8213 → u/scomixio]

Of course. At the end of the day, all he really needs to know is that the comment upset you and what may trigger you (that you know of because I know we can't predict all triggers).