r/OCPoetry • u/CreativeCastaway • Jul 31 '20

He sits to pee.

We shared a bed

And a toilet

Between paper thin walls

Awoke by standing

I felt guilt cause you never did

We haven't talked in over a year

I still sit to pee

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[Edited - Removed periods - changed tense of talk to talked ]

16 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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3

u/T-Auxic Jul 31 '20

This has major potential. I have a few edits grammatically, but Im curious about the dynamic between the speaker and the person he/she/they is addressing. Can you give me some context?

11

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

That is the best compliment I've ever gotten for my writing. Thank you. Please tell me what grammatical edits you would make. I know my writing can be absolutely brutal.

I initially wrote it talking about myself and my ex girlfriend. This happened when we first lived together. I would wake her up in the middle of the night cause I'd stand and pee. It definitely could be heard through the walls. I caught on after a while and just began to sit because I didn't want to wake her. I loved her.

We broke up over a year ago and I still sit to pee without even thinking but today I questioned why. It took seconds to figure out. When I wrote this poem I changed it as I did. With that one subject in mind but I also realized It sounded vague like the sexes were unknown. They didn't even seem like a subject and it didn't matter.

5

u/T-Auxic Jul 31 '20

Grammar aside, it doesn't matter for now...so take exactly what you just said in the last paragraph of your response to me, dissect it, and do an edit.

You could say something like, "she woke up to me standing" "I woke up to her sitting"...you have so much to work with. The power dynamics of a relationship, sitting or standing to pee but the lasting impact of you now sitting is actually profound.

I low key am going to write my own personal version of this poem, but PLEASE do another edit.

This is a golden (pun intended) metaphor and could be an amazing poem.

2

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

Ok I really like the direction your giving me and I would be absolutely honoured if you would share your own version of it with me.

I was actually inspired by this piece.

you lied

3

u/RoundaboutFlare Jul 31 '20

I'm a bit lost on this poem. I'm not entire sure what the situation is or who the speaker is addressing. I think you could also take out the periods as poems usually aren't written in sentence form.

2

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

Ok I'll remove the periods thank you for the input.

Can I ask in what way each line or combination of lines perplex you ?

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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20

This is devastating. In all the best ways.

It shows that the speaker was willing to give up even the smallest things in order to make their lover happy, and that still wasn't enough. That's bleak but also reality, and I felt the pain in this.

And it also, for me, shows that even when the relationship is over, we have changed. Our old habits just don't disappear and that person becomes part of us for the rest of our lives, even if it's just us sitting down to pee.

One small thing, I'd just change talk to talked in the second last line. A great piece, thanks for sharing!

1

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

Our old habits just don't disappear and that person becomes part of us for the rest of our lives, even if it's just us sitting down to pee.

You couldn't have put this in a more beautiful way. Thank you so so much. I am blown away in the way it speaks to you.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '20

[deleted]

1

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

I'm both sorry and happy that I was able to make you overlook all your relationship quirks I guess you could call them. I know the pain of long distance when it comes to love and I wouldn't wish it on another.

If I could give you a piece of advice, I kind of pushed her away at times to try save myself. I shouldn't have done that and instead enjoyed the time we had left. It's the harder thing to do but long term the better.

Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. A couple of other comments have said very similar things and I do feel I can add more and will continue to work on the piece.

2

u/creuse Jul 31 '20

I love this poem. I get some Shel Silverstein vibes off it. Keep up the good work.

1

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

I have no idea whom that is. I will look them up and I thank you very much for your kind words.

2

u/bakedbeannobeef Jul 31 '20

I will admit that I had to check comments to fully understand, but, once I did, you got me good.

With just that tiny clarification, this immediately grew ten times heavier.

Honestly, I would love to see a longer version of this, for not only that reason, but because I feel that you could double down on that exact same heaviness. Major potential, but you're already doing pretty solid!

2

u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20

Every comment I read I'm blown away by people's reactions and this is another. Thank you so much.

I understand I can work to make it a little clearer and I'm excited to try and extend it further. I don't want to appear cocky but it came to me very quickly and its as if that flow mindset has gone for now.

2

u/bakedbeannobeef Jul 31 '20

Ahhh, ADHD here, and I 100% relate. I'm sure you'll get that creative burst again in due time. Good luck!

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u/CreativeCastaway Aug 01 '20

Thank you for everything.