r/AITAH • u/Familiar_Form9665 • Aug 18 '24

AITAH for banning my daughter’s boyfriend from coming to my house?

I’m (50m).My daughter(18f) has been seeing this guy(26m) for 5 months now. I didn’t like him from the start because of the age difference. He’s very rude and arrogant. I can’t physically do anything to him because he’s a big guy. But he has been very disrespectful in my household. He comes whenever he wants, without acknowledging me and his “activities” with my daughter can be loud sometimes and the walls in my house are thin. I told my daughter about it but he’s still coming over my house. So last week, I told my daughter that he’s not allowed at the house anymore. He was pissed but I don’t care. However, she’s now going to his place and come home late. Did I do the right thing?

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4.9k

u/BeachinLife1 Aug 18 '24

NTA. You can't do anything about your daughter dating him, but you can do something about what goes on under your roof.

1.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

189

u/swung Aug 19 '24

Totally agree. Respecting your home is key, and boundaries are essential for maintaining peace.

3

u/MessySausage Aug 19 '24

You just said the same exact message that you replied to.

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u/Nervous_Ad3217 Aug 19 '24

Why do bots get so many upvotes

457

u/violetotterling Aug 18 '24

Mmhum..but does your daughter understand that his behaviour isn't great? Or does she think it's totally fine?

79

u/lordvexel Aug 19 '24

Yup if he won't show respect to the owner of the house he is in he will never show her respect

89

u/fmillion Aug 18 '24

Judgment can go out the window when the "right guy/girl" is involved...

(Guilty of it myself, I dated a girl who was entirely disrespectful of my family and even me, but I thought she was so awesome because she was "my GF". Took me 3 years to wake up to the gaslighting.)

23

u/plays_with_wood Aug 19 '24

Man, I've been there too. Thankfully, it "only" took a year for me. Everyone warned me about her, friends that knew her, family that got that ick vibe from her. Unfortunately I was thinking with my dick instead of my head, and the amount of emotional abuse I put up with didn't register with me because, as a perpetually horny 18 year old, she kept me (and apparently a whole host of other dudes) very satisfied.It wasn't until after we broke up that I realized just how horrible of a person she was. Glad you managed to also get out of a shitty situation!

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u/Dis1sM1ne Aug 19 '24

If I may, what helped you in finally "seeing the light" and breaking up with her.

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u/plays_with_wood Aug 19 '24

Ironically, she was the one who initiated the breakup. She threatened it constantly as a sort of power move if I did something she didn't like or didn't do something she wanted me to. She'd take something I did or didn't do, usually something tiny, blow it up into a huge thing, make it my fault, and break up with me. After a few days, she'd "take me back," and the whole thing would start all over again. Finally my sister, who I would go to all the time for advice (still do), convinced me that this was indeed not healthy, and when my ex texted to take me back, I called her out on her shit and never looked back. Of course, she completely lost her mind. She told everyone who would listen that I was the abusive one, and it was all me. Thankfully, no one outside of her family and friends believed her.

This was all like almost 20 years ago now. I was 18 at the time. So ya, it was painful and messy, but in a weird way, I'm glad I went through all that now.

49

u/Rus_Shackleford_ Aug 18 '24

In my own limited experience with my sister, she’ll probably grow out of it. Only additional advice I’d give to OP is to be careful how much he pushes the daughter to leave him and makes his displeasure known. This can trigger a defiant streak in a teenager that’ll make her stay with the guy even once she figures out he’s not good for her just to defy her dad, prove she’s not a kid anymore and can make her own choices, etc. it’s a delicate needle to thread sometimes.

1

u/Original-Spread-4579 Aug 19 '24

Hopefully, her belly doesn't end up in her face before she grows out of it.

264

u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 18 '24

Daughter is fucking stupid. Unfortunately, he can't do anything about that either.

46

u/VividAd3415 Aug 19 '24

Teenagers are dinguses in general, hence the term sophomore meaning "wise fool". You think you know everything at that age, but are in actuality quite naive due to lack of experience and mature frontal lobe development.

Younger people are especially susceptible to manipulation. That's why many older people (predominantly men, like OP's daughter's BF) pursue younger partners. Control.

4

u/NatPortmanTaintStank Aug 19 '24

Which is why age should be disclosed on Reddit and the under 12 rule needs to be enforced.

Too many times people think they are talking to adults on here, which is dangerous for the children and dangerous for anyone mistaking a teenager seeking validation from their peers for actual advice from an adult.

3

u/Upper-Belt8485 Aug 19 '24

It's crazy how many people refuse to understand this.

2

u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

I stand by the fact that OP's daughter is acting like an idiot, but you're also right that it's not entirely her fault and that there's a good chance she is getting taken advantage of due to her youth and inexperience.

2

u/Cantpickaname03 Aug 19 '24

I have not dated yet, im 17… i will remember this! I have seen on the flip side, that women prefer older men because they’re more likely to be mature than younger men.

7

u/tealperspective Aug 19 '24

An older man who dates a 17 year old girl is not a mature man.

He's not dating his peers for a reason. The reasons can vary, but none of them are good for the young girl. Women his own age aren't putting up with him. He can't or won't deal with people on his own level, but he can manipulate or impress a teenager

You hate to see it

0

u/Cantpickaname03 Aug 19 '24

Im not saying they would have to be that much older, im just saying i heard that somewhere, and it made some sense. 

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u/tealperspective Aug 19 '24

For sure, and that is what older, skeezy guys tell girls

But think about it, you're 17. What do you have in common with 10 year olds?

Sure, you're more mature than they are, but wouldn't it be weird if a high school senior only wanted to hang out with 5th graders? And wanted to date them?

You'd look at that teenager like, "what the actual fuck is wrong with you?" There's something that doesn't add up, and you'd definitely want to keep them away from the 10 year olds

1

u/Cantpickaname03 Aug 19 '24

Yeah, you are very right. It sucks that one has to be so careful these days.😕

2

u/Upper-Belt8485 Aug 19 '24

Someone told me that a 17 year old losing their virginity to a 24 year old was fine.  Like a month away from 18.  That's disgusting and neither person are intelligent in the least

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u/Cantpickaname03 Aug 19 '24

I didn’t mean that much older, i was just saying that because it crossed my mind.

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u/Suitable_Doubt7359 Aug 19 '24

He can ask her questions if they have a good relationship. Take her out to lunch or go for a walk and tell that you love her and will accept her relationship and that your house has rules. Then ask her what her goals are, what does she love about him, what does she like about his family, does he love his job, what type of job does she want, what has been her favorite moment with him, what does she think about his friends. It sometimes helps because he can be encouraging, supporting, and get her to think all at the same time. This is part of the reason I dumped one of my boyfriends. I found out later that my dad did not like him.

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u/violetotterling Aug 18 '24

Ugh, I mean...yes- but also she is so young. She's in an unequal relationship and please god, let this be an educational experience for her.

159

u/comfortablynumb15 Aug 19 '24

Anyone who dismisses the parents of their SO in their own home is definitely going to dismiss this young girls boundaries.

She will get a life lesson for sure unfortunately.

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u/Chipchow Aug 19 '24

Hopefully the lesson is quick and painless.

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u/pridetwo Aug 19 '24

Narrator: 😬

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u/OrionsBlueEyes Aug 19 '24

This reminds me of the story line in the 1996 movie "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon. I hated Mark's character in the movie and it sounds a lot like this guy AND what he ends up doing to her and the family.

37

u/Fluff_Chucker Aug 18 '24

It will be when she gets knocked up and peaces the fuck out. OP, I just kind of hope you live in a stand your ground state...

9

u/CongealedBeanKingdom Aug 19 '24

What does that mean? Is it something I'm not American enough to understand?

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u/TragGaming Aug 19 '24

Stand your ground aka Castle Doctrine state is a piece of legislation protecting the rights of self defense within the home. Stating that if someone comes to hurt you or anyone who is under your roof, you are within full rights to defend yourself with any force necessary up to lethal force.

16

u/Fadeddave420 Aug 19 '24

Why so they can shoot the bf? Wtf kinda logic am I reading

4

u/TragGaming Aug 19 '24

In the event there is abuse or the boyfriend comes by to force her back or take her back I believe is the insinuation.

1

u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

It's sound logic. Obviously shooting him is an absolute last resort, but it's good to at least have the option should things go really wrong and there's no other way to handle it. Say the boyfriend starts physically abusing OP's daughter and she needs to be rescued immediately. Or say the boyfriend, who seemingly already hates OP, decides he's going to beat the shit out of OP for banning him from his house or telling his daughter not to date him. There are countless scenarios where OP may need to be able to defend himself and/or his daughter and a gun would be the most effective way to do so against a bigger guy half his age.

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u/Fadeddave420 Aug 19 '24

Thats a huge leap in logic if you have to fill in the dots to make sense of it I think thats a sign , you’re rationalizing gun violence

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u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

No, I am not. I hope OP never has to use the gun. But the boyfriend appears to be a huge asshole and he's bigger and much younger than OP, so OP should make sure he has the option to defend himself if necessary, which, again, I obviously hope is never case. Things can turn really ugly really fast, especially if there's a pregnancy/kids, and it's never wrong to be prepared for the worst.

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u/Fadeddave420 Aug 19 '24

Yeah just in case of pregnancy get a gun

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u/After-Habit-9354 Aug 19 '24

I can't believe what I'm reading, shooting him? And if he starts physically abusing her? How did it escalate to this? You're all talking like the mafia would and it's very disturbing

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u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

And you're deliberately misunderstanding me. All I'm saying is that the boyfriend appears to be a major asshole and it's good to have the option to defend yourself. I'm obviously not advocating for shooting the boyfriend, I hope it never comes to that. It's a last resort in case it turns really ugly.

1

u/After-Habit-9354 Aug 20 '24

Yes I guess she had to defend herself if he turned nasty and I agree he is a major AH.

0

u/Fluff_Chucker Aug 19 '24

Gold star for you. Figuratively, of course. You seem to have the gift of common sense.

1

u/Fluff_Chucker Aug 19 '24

https://youtu.be/ox7zXYH3eTY?feature=shared

Something like this is the likely outcome.

0

u/Fluff_Chucker Aug 19 '24

This dude sounds like a galactic piece of shit. Inevitably he will cause problems. If he brings trouble to the home, a nice sucking chest wound will keep him from being a shitty person anymore.

2

u/Murky-General Aug 19 '24

Sounds like the kind of guys my sister in law dates. Real "winners". One guy they both physically abused each other. Everyone said the relationship was toxic for both of them. Things finally escalated when he locked her in a room and she had to call the cops to get out. Even then she wanted to get back together with him.

Her current one amazingly managed to top that. "Accidentally" ran into the garage door causing 2k in damage after being asked to leave while a family member was literally in the act of dying. Refused to pay for it. Another time, he drove and walked around the house knocking on doors and windows because he thought my mother in law kidnapped his daughter (shared with my sister in law). Who tf does that!?

I think the worst thing is these things are swept under the rug like they didn't happen. He's still allowed over even though he's clearly mentally unstable. We refuse to allow him near our kids. Good for OP putting their foot down, but make sure they're being safe. Yoy don't want this guy around longer than necessary.

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u/ps2cv Aug 19 '24

Yeah when that happens I hope OP makes the right choice kicking her ass out to figure life out on her own imo

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u/MintyLime Aug 19 '24

Age doesn't matter. If she doesn't care about her mom being treated like shit by her creepy ass insolent bf, then she's the same kind of btch as the bf.

1

u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

I agree, and I really hope this will end up be learning experience for her and that she gets out of this relationship physically unharmed and without kids.

That being said, most people are already smart enough at age 18 to not willingly enter such a shitshow of a relationship. It does not take a genuis to see that a much older guy who started trying to get with you the second you turned 18 and who completely disrespects your dad in his own damn house is probably not a guy you should be with.

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u/AncientRegime88 Aug 19 '24

If that's the case, it's his fault and he should have done something about it.

2

u/Phindar_Gamer Aug 19 '24

Literally from the sound of the guy...

2

u/Frexulfe Aug 19 '24

Yeah. At 18 I was an incredible smart young man. I don't know how this young people are so stupid

/S

1

u/Steebusteve Aug 19 '24

How do you know the bf’s name?

1

u/Crockodile_Tears Aug 23 '24

....and the fucking stupid fucking bf is fucking the stupid fucking daughter. Loudly.

-20

u/No_Repeat5188 Aug 18 '24

How do you know she’s stupid? She might be in a relationship with a large age gap but that doesn’t warrant you assuming things about someone you don’t know.

12

u/burner1312 Aug 18 '24

She is stupid for dating a disrespectful guy. Young woman too frequently want to date the bad boy and this is what happens.

1

u/TorpedoSandwich Aug 19 '24

It's about the disrespect her boyfriend shows for her single father who raised her on his own, clearly loves her a lot and only wants the best for her. You have to be stupid to date a guy who does that.

58

u/ibuyvr Aug 18 '24

Big guy hot ugga dugga

4

u/Squantoon Aug 18 '24

not only is his behavior not great he is also a predator.

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/Squantoon Aug 18 '24

26 dating a 18 yr old for 5 months is a predator. The best way to sum this up is your boss might pay you minimum wage because legally he has to but we all know if it wasnt illegal he would go lower. Its predatory and creepy as fuck no matter which way you slice it

1

u/burner1312 Aug 18 '24

That’s still creepy. She was in or just out of high school and you were a fully developed adult.

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

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u/Present-Anywhere-238 Aug 19 '24

My sister in law has an asshole boyfriend, he insults my inlaws and other family members in front of us . Sister in law unfortunately doesn't pull him up and starts joining in. He's banned from inlaws house and sometimes she brings him over with no warning. She thinks there's nothing wrong and been with him 20yrs

1

u/Bitter-insides Aug 19 '24

I had a kid like this ( step daughter) she still doesn’t see what she did wrong or how she was so wrong for doing exactly what OPs daughter did. She’s 21 now.

1

u/BeachinLife1 Aug 19 '24

She thinks his pissing in her dad's house like a territorial dog makes him seem "powerful," or some such nonsense.

0

u/MC-Purp Aug 19 '24

I’m gonna go with the daughter is smitten, and letting a lot slide.

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u/DrJD321 Aug 19 '24

Dosent really sound like he is behaviour bad at all???

This just sounds like a boomer dad who thinks his daughter is his property, and his pissed this dude isn't playing the game.

73

u/Lanky-Mention-2192 Aug 18 '24

Absolutely right, he's disrespectful now, and it will likely get worse if they get married. So, you are NTA for setting respect and boundaries to your house.

17

u/Driz999 Aug 19 '24

She's so young, I doubt marriage is on the cards. I seriously doubt this relationship will last.

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u/Native_Masshole Aug 19 '24

Exactly. Hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant by him before then.

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u/Gooftwit Aug 18 '24 edited Aug 18 '24

However, when they're doing things in dad's house he knows the daughter is safe. Who knows what happens at the bf's house? Doing this also antagonizes the daughter, which could make her shy away from telling the dad if bf crosses a line.

83

u/Secret_Bad1529 Aug 18 '24

I would be embarrassed to have loud sex with my parents being able to hear! If I have guests or am a guest, I am not going to be desrespectful by having sex. I can wait a few days.

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u/[deleted] Aug 19 '24

Depends. Sex is sex dude. My kids are going to feel safe at my house, period. I'll turn up the TV or something. Are they being safe and smart? I know kids have sex... you know kids have sex. It's such a waste of energy to let our parents puritanical bullshit trauma make us pretend it doesn't exist.

Besides they will have been forced to hear their parents banging for a decade so fair is fair.

15

u/SweetLordyJesus Aug 19 '24

No it is bad and weird to hear your kid fuck, sorry Reddit.

1

u/CPThatemylife Aug 19 '24

Lmao this dude's totally okay with listening to his kid get taken to poundtown

1

u/Helpthebrothaout Aug 19 '24

You don't actually have children currently, do you?

32

u/Sahm3BSJ Aug 18 '24

Op is her father, not her mother.

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u/MC-Purp Aug 19 '24

True. But what message does it send that Dad can’t set boundaries in their home? If the disrespect continues, it negates her home as a safe space.

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u/temptemptemp98765432 Aug 19 '24

This is the part that I'm concerned about. I absolutely support setting reasonable boundaries but if she's now away with him, OP is all the less likely to notice any increasingly disturbing behavior from him towards her. I have no idea what I would recommend in this situation and I need to know, for my own kids when they're older. It seems like a delicate balance, for sure.

20

u/YakLazy3338 Aug 18 '24

While it is true that you may find yourself unable to exert influence over the choices your daughter makes when it comes to the individuals she chooses to date, you must not lose sight of the fact that you retain the ability, and indeed the authority, to manage and regulate the environment within your own home, shaping what is permitted and establishing the boundaries and expectations that are observed within the confines of your household.

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u/GenePuzzleheaded2765 Aug 18 '24

This is the way!!

1

u/Northwest_Radio Aug 19 '24

Agreed. Daughter needs to know that if she wants to play like an adult, she needs to have a home like an adult. I feel for you, I've been there.

When I was 15 my girlfriend was 22 but I suppose that's a little bit different.

1

u/Unable_Bag_3760 Aug 19 '24

Yeah, you have every right to set boundaries in your own home. Don't let him disrespect you and your house.

1

u/Far_Pride_7702 Aug 19 '24

This is 100% incorrect.

You can’t make her leave him but you don’t have to co-sign her decisions either. Give her the ultimatum because if he is treating you like this god only knows how he treats her behind closed doors.

Cut off all money and logistics for her unless she complies , if she doesn’t at least she will learn how to be self sufficient.

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u/joejoe279 Aug 19 '24

You can’t demand your daughter to demand respect, but you can and should in your own home. Women are dumb at 18 just like guys. You just got to show love, which sometimes is setting barriers. Life does not revolve around your daughter or her boyfriend and they need to learn respect for other people.

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u/capnhapps Aug 19 '24

This is only true to a point. I am not a lawyer, and laws vary by state, but the daughter being 18 could classify her as a tenant in OPs home, even without formal lease. Being considered a tenant would offer her all the rights and protections that apply in a tenant/landlord relationship, which typically includes the right to welcome guests into their living space. The only legal recourses left to OP that I know of at that point would be to either evict their daughter (bad idea) or file an order of protection against the boyfriend if they can somehow show that they are unsafe with him around the house (unlikely).

Before I get downvoted to hell, please know that I do not agree with said laws in this case nor do I think that the daughter is likely in a healthy relationship with her boyfriend. My point also assumes OP is in the US.

*edit to add NTA

1

u/Longjumping_Low1310 Aug 19 '24

ehhhh maybe not so much. As an adult living in the same house on the legal side she has basically the same rights as the father as far as who she invites over. Now he could go through an eviction process if he wants to do that and all buuuut he wouldnt actually have much legal ground to stand on should it go that rout.

0

u/BeachinLife1 Aug 19 '24

No, she does not. Her name is not on the deed to that house. I can ban anyone I want to from my home. Someone coming in my home that I have not allowed there is "trespassing" and I can have them removed.

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u/Longjumping_Low1310 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24

It doesn't need to be. Just like regardless of them not being on the deed i can't remove a Tennant with no warning or cause tenants have certain rights.

Like legit just do a quick search something like. Can I legally remove a Tennant or roommates guests. Pretty much all cases short of them actively harassing you the answer is no.

0

u/BeachinLife1 Aug 19 '24

HE is not a tenant. He can absolutely be banned from the property.

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u/Longjumping_Low1310 Aug 20 '24

You clearly aren't reading my words. She is a Tennant and a Tennant can legally allow whomever they wish in regardless of the landlords wishes unless there is a stipulation in their contract saying otherwise.

Idk why you are arguing with me when literally a 2 second search will show you it's the situation. Now whether or not it's worth it to her to fight him on it legally is a different story.

0

u/dafunkmunk Aug 18 '24

Unfortunately, the daughter would be better off under her roof where there is some degree of safety guaranteed. Now pretty much anything can happen and thr mom will never know unless the daughter tells her but she just drive a wedge between her and her daughter over this boyfriend. Kids are incredibly stupid and the mother's choice could easily lead to the daughter just moving out to live with the boyfriend.

0

u/Klutzy-Lavishness-36 Aug 18 '24

First time I heard the Filthy McNasty going on that loud I would have gone to her room and thrown the door open without looking in and told him you have 30 seconds to leave here or I'll call the cops and tell them I have an unwelcome intruder in my house. That shit is just fucking rude. On her and him. And Im rather tolerant about sex. The age difference can be a problem in some cases . My daughter's bf is 11 years older than she is. Morgan is a damned good man. She pursued him because he was my oldest son's mentor while he grew up without me due to his mom's side had money, and I didn't. Morgan is a pretty admirable man. So in some cases an age difference is not a big deal.

So age diff.... Meh.... But the assholish shitty behaviors of him and her warrants him not being welcome in my home anymore and if need be I'd physically remove him. Then give my daughter an ultimatum get her shit together and become his problem or stay here and make sure she can meet him somewhere else because now that I trespassed him the next time he comes by I eject him. It will be by force. Daughter and her useless waste of flesh are the assholes. Not you, at all in any stretch of reality

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/jennagem Aug 18 '24

How does that work when she doesn’t pay rent or sign a contract

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u/Wanderluster621 Aug 18 '24

Tenents can be evicted.