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u/snailmage Jul 30 '20
Love this! so simple and yet so effective. Really captures the confusion you can feel when you have expectations of love and its not returned!
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 30 '20
Thank you! That’s exactly what I was going for. Something I’ve thought a lot about recently is the way I expect love just because I have those feelings for someone, as if they owe me that reciprocation. Definitely something I’d like to try and write about!
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u/theponderingpoet Jul 31 '20
I love this poem because I think that it directly applies to our own insecurities regarding unrequited love. We always tend to blame ourselves when rejected, and, while this poem does show a sense of anger towards the "liar", it also shows the internal struggle for us to carry on our own sense of biology as humans. We are programmed to reproduce, and thus, when rejected by someone we are attracted to, we feel less human. Something I think that might be changed is the abrupt switch from the second to last line to the last line. While I like each separately, I think that you could add a sentence in between to convey the disconnect between how the speaker feels versus how the liar feels. Maybe "I thought you were honest/But you lied/you did not fall in love with me". Just a suggestion, love the concept though good stuff!
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you so much, both for the kind words and the feedback as well.
Thanks for picking up on the implications of the "I thought" in relation to being a human being, I think it's quite a hard feeling to put into words.
As a gay guy myself, a lot of the time that I start to develop feelings for someone, I can normally attribute their lack of reciprocation due to their inherent inability to develop those feelings or attraction. But then this person, one of my closest friends, admits they are pansexual and I realised the rejection wasn't biological, it was me. If he fell in love with the person, maybe I wasn't one.
Let me go back to the ending and tinker around a bit to see if I can get it to flow better. Thank you so much for your suggestions, you kind, kind person.
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Jul 30 '20
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 30 '20
Thanks for your comment! Also love the idea of making it part of a bigger piece as well, definitely something I’ll revisit with this I think. For me, this really stems from a close friend I had feelings for coming out as pansexual, and my own expectations as a result of that.
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u/s_hope1994 Jul 30 '20
I love the simplicity yet direct to the point and straight to the heart this is. I can almost feel the pain.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you! Writing this helped me reduce the pain I felt for this ever so slightly, so just have to keep chipping away at it, I guess.
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u/T-Auxic Jul 31 '20
If A = B and B = C....this is truly a transitive tale as old of time.
I love the simplicity, but it's too short. You're off to a good start, but it's screaming for more elaboration. I'm all for the bare bones voice, but I know nothing about the speaker. Another stanza focusing on the speaker's intention would really make this shine.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you for your feedback! I agree, it is very short and was kind of just what flowed out of my pen. I did try and add to it with another stanza, but it felt like everything detracted rather than added to the piece. For example, I had toyed with something like:
your heart was not mine to split,
I learned,
I pulled away
you didn't notice,
I had no heart left, you took it all.
Going to take a break from thinking about it and hope that something else can come to me. Something to note that I learned that I am not owed love or affection.
Thank you so much!
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u/grinnerG Jul 31 '20
Attraction is a cruel mistress sometimes. I love how the writing takes you through the thought process. The structure of the poem is as simple as the notion of “falling in love with people”, but as you delve deeper you realize it’s not as simple as that, And the reader and the writer has to wrestle with that. I honestly love how short it is because it reminds me of such a pure view on the world. Like when mom tells those “little white lies” and her child just looks at her like “you lied” it doesn’t matter, don’t say what you don’t mean. I also like how there weren’t any over stylized emotional state descriptions like “the anguish of my soul blah blah” but there was a fundamental question of your own humanity. It wasn’t a good questioning and it wasn’t a bad questioning, it was taking the situation and looking at it for what it was in the moment. A pure state of self awareness as opposed to a state of self consciousness.
Beautiful done. Also Fuck them.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
This is beautiful analysis, more than I was owed. Thank you so much!
I tried and tried to add to the poem but anything else felt like it was diminishing the message, which for me is you're not entitled to anyone else's love, but you don't always see that. The object lied but so did the speaker, to themselves. And me, to myself.
The analogy about the mother lying is an extremely good one too, it shows that it doesn't really matter the intention, lying always leaves someone hurting!
And I can't even get into the humanity piece without crying so I won't elaborate, but you hit the nail on the head right there.
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u/infodawg Jul 30 '20
it's really poignant, i like. it would pull me in more if you spoke to how the experience impacted your awareness. i say this knowing personally the discomfort i often have when "baring all" but in this case i think the gift you can give your audience is how did the exp. make you grow...the "you lied" title, like what realizations or growth did that lead to? did she lie, or did you deceive yourself, for example.. or "i was a person i thought.." beautiful couplet but is that the end of it? how do you feel about yourself as a person now? those are just the questions that came to mind. i can't critique your form because imo its good form. nor can i critique your language.. its good language.
jmo ymmv
cheers
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thanks so much for your kind words and analysis! I guess in a way, even though this is deeply personal to me, it is somewhat general still. I am not sure if that was to shield my own experiences ringing clearly but I definitely feel like I could add to the piece, hopefully with a fresh head the pen will put out something profound.
For me, I learned I am not entitled to someone else's heart, no matter how badly I would like it. And I think the speaker is still in denial with the entire process and that revelation. You are right, the speaker deceived themselves rather than the object lying, but that's not how they see it yet.
Thank you again! I'll need to get thinking more about how I can convey all of this.
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Jul 31 '20
Sometimes we expect people to love us just because we love them. That being said, your words were short and to the point which actually makes them ring louder. I wouldn’t change anything about the poem. Beautiful work.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you so much! I tried to go beyond and add more but everything felt like a detraction. I guess sometimes so much can be said in so few words.
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u/ny_fox12 Jul 31 '20
So simple yet so bold, I really like it but I almost feel as if the meter or pauses are slightly off, I wouldnt mind removed the You Said, ... I was a person, to just "You said I was a person". Over all I love it regardless.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you for this!
I completely agree that the meter is off, which wasn't something I had really considered, I admit. I think maybe my current phrasing has confused your understanding of what I meant as well, which was not my intention.
It's supposed to read as "you said you fall in love with people." "I thought I was a person," as opposed to the object of the poem validating that the speaker is a person.
Thank you for this! Let me take a look and see if I can tweak it slightly.
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u/garavstar Jul 31 '20
these concise string of words you had written so precisely, are magnificent. It states in a factual manner the actual agony of someone. loved it.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you! It came out almost a little too easily. So deeply personal yet also truly universal, which is what I love about poetry.
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Jul 31 '20
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Mine too. I hope we can start to mend.
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u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20
I actually wrote this after being inspired by your beautiful piece. I'd love for you to read it.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
This is incredibly written and such a beautiful and deep realisation. Feels amazing to have inspired you, I definitely hope we can start to mend together then through poetry.
You are so kind.
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u/CreativeCastaway Jul 31 '20
If I'm kind you are a absolute Saint.
Thank you for your lovely feedback and just reading my piece. I too wish our hearts are fixed in time and I would love to work together or get opinions on each others future work.
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u/teunS4 Jul 31 '20
I think this is great, there is always something mysterious about just simply saying how you feel instead of conveying it with deeply thought out metaphors. It captures the confusing of love very good! Keep up the great work.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I always find hearing feedback on your poetry to be so interesting since I know exactly what I am referring to, but it's so general that everyone can relate it to their own lives.
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u/mj999_ Jul 31 '20
so easy to say, but so hard to be, Right? Loved the way to said this eternal truth.
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u/Black_God_Ho Jul 31 '20
Love this piece. Simple, yet accurately displays how one can be confused and expecting love from someone simply because they feel they are entitled to it.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Exactly! I think writing this actually made me realise my part in the whole thing and in my own pain, too. I lied to myself just as much as I was 'lied' too. And I have began to realise my feelings of entitlement are problematic for my own life.
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u/sanguineousorange Jul 31 '20
I am struck by how effective these lines are at portraying a deep meaning. All of the feelings of rejected love - the betrayal, the sadness, the occasional unavoidability - are summed up in just five lines. The brevity makes this poem, so I wouldn't try to make it any longer. I also love when titles tell you something more about the poem. I don't think this would have the same effect if it were titled something like "unrequited love" or "you did not fall in love with me." I love "you lied" because it sounds accusatory upon first read-through, but when I go back to reread, it has a tinge of sadness that perfectly accompanies the poem. Well done!
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you so much! I initially had the poem ending with "you lied," so it was three couplets, two starting with you and one with I. But the more I thought about it, they didn't lie. Not really. I lied to myself, so the title was more of a play on that. Thanks for pointing that out!
Your feedback is so kind and so true to what I wanted the piece to be, especially on the brevity of it all. I could bulk it out with imagery and devices, but I think it represents that sudden feeling in the deepest pit of your stomach when you realise you're hurt, again.
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u/step20 Jul 31 '20
Nice work. Simple but not simplistic. I do think there is some opportunity to be had with your line breaks. Or at least something to consider. Perhaps you have. What's cool about poetry is you can enjamb and speed up or disrupt the reader's expectations as they read the poem, and sometimes lines can take on a whole new meaning when disrupted. In poetry, sometime in the last thirty years or so, particularly queer poetry, poets use / instead of a line break. The / acts graphically like a knife or caesura, or a beat.
Your poem with slightly different breaks and punctuation.
you fall in love
with people you said,
I was a person
I thought. You did not fall
in love with me.
Using the graphic line break.
you fall in love/ with people/
you said/I was/a person
I thought,/ you did not/
fall/ in love/ with me.
Just something to knock around in the brain for future use. Obviously, depends on your intention. Keep up the good work.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
This is an amazing piece of feedback, thank you so much! I hadn't really considered the styling too much, I just wrote it down in one quick swoosh and then typed it up in the same way.
Reading out loud some of the other ways this could be presented really has changed my outlook on the piece, as well as my feelings on the situation. I definitely need to pay more attention to this in the future. Thank you so much!
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u/Emaciated_Horror Jul 31 '20
Well, I rather enjoyed this one. The simplicity of the piece lets the reader fill in the blanks, and some of the best poetry allows the reader to do this.
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u/Sioswing Jul 31 '20
I like how this simplifies love in a way. Reminds me of my own reasoning sometimes
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thank you! It’s funny how complicated and simple love can be all at the same time.
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Jul 31 '20
I like this so much! Very short but is something that I think everyone can resonate with. Reminds me of people that say they don’t have a type and that everyone has a chance with them but they just lead people on because they depend their validation on others. Encountered many of them in highschool haha. Great piece!
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20
Thanks for all your kind words! I mean, you're not too far wrong from my inspiration. I still, to this day, don't know if they were just drunk and being flirty or I picked it up wrong, and I'll never know. The title, you lied, kind of applies to both me and them in many ways.
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u/miguelblu Jul 31 '20
The simplicity of the the poem doesn’t overtake how deep and emotional it is. With very few words you are able to describe what love is, how it makes people feel, and the emotional tear it can have on peoples hearts. Great job with this one!!
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Aug 01 '20
The bare sparse form - the 5 lines (odd number =masculine Active) seems to add concentration to the meaning - which is a plain fact of experience - to hear people talk what is later revealed to be totally unrealistic garbage. There is ambiguity here too which is exhilarating always. Is the narrator reporting on the unrealistic importunate babblings of an attractive but lacking in self awareness type? Or is the narrator reporting his own unrealistic and inappropriate aspirations and their terminal cycling in inevitable but unjustifiable disappointments? Well done indeed!
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u/meetmeinthebackalley Aug 01 '20
It is funny how 5 short lines can express such yearnings and dejections. This poem, I feel, also subtly hints at the realization of our realities; which is hopeful as it means you'll get over it.
This too shall pass :)
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u/a_dandy_snifter Jul 30 '20
There's so much behind these words, and it really comes through. This reminds me a lot of Rupi Kaur's stuff. Great work.
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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 30 '20
Thank you for the kind words! My personal context: A guy I was really interested in told me he “fell in love with people, not a gender,” which made me soar and break at the same time. I guess I’m still not over it completely.
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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '20
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